Affair? Ménage-a-trois? Affairs are epidemic in marriages across our great nation. Most people know someone affected by infidelity, but little do you know–you just might be guilty of having an affair, yourself. No, you say? Could it be possible that you are having an affair with your smartphone?
First, think through these questions to see if you or your spouse is a victim. Do you or your spouse always have your smartphone on or out? Is your marriage getting a little crowded always having to make time for one of you to check email or to send one more text message? Is your bed getting a little crowded having that smartphone on hand for the last reading of the news or quick scan of Facebook or Pinterest before bed? Or have you welcomed a pocket sized version of Netflix or Youtube into your bed? Does it feel like your spouse having an affair with their smartphone? Ménage a trois not your thing? Or is it?
According to a recent article in Psychology Today (which I usually regard as liberal blather, but they got this right), technology, particularly our smartphones are creating a lot of discord and disconnect in our marriages… You know the lifelong relationship that already has enough challenges without the intrusion of a technological “third person” climbing in the middle of the chaos?
According to a 2014 Pew Research project 42% of cell phone owning couples reported that phone use is a problem in the marital relationship–rocking marriages on the scale of scandalous affair.
Think about that statistic for a second…42% of couples reported that smartphone usage is encroaching and creating stress in marriages, on the same scale as an affair. That is a huge number of couples—and that is just the ones they tracked down for the study. You know that number could easily be higher—because most of us could easily add our “yes” to that survey question.
I confess I use my phone a whole lot more than I ever imagined. If you know me at all, you know I am not a fan of technology (I am a people person). I can barely operate my phone, but I still manage to use it a lot.
Honestly, I can easily justify why I need my phone and use my phone…I am a business owner…I work with people who are frequently in crisis…I constantly run late…and the rationalizations go on and on. However, I will tell ya, as a therapist, mother and wife (techni-phobe), I make a very conscious effort to limit my personal use of technology at home and particularly that of my children (they are the future, ya know).
The elusive “couple time” that used to exist has been eclipsed by “personal tech-time.” The children go to bed and couples, at an alarming rate, are running back to their phones to zone out, check FaceBook or Pintrest for the 80th time today, or they read up some more on the latest political pissing contest or social uprising—or it gets even worse! People are wasting hours and hours chasing Pokemon!!
Stop the affair!
People get a flippin’ grip! More specifically, get a grip on your marriage and check your priorities. Truth is in our actions, not our words. You totally give your priorities in life away by showing people what those priorities are based on how much time you spend in any given activity. Your behavior tells all.
Your foremost priority in your life is evidenced by what you spend the most time doing.
So let me ask you, what is your foremost priority? Or even your top three priorities in life?
Now, if I watched you all day, would it be obvious to me, based on your behavior that your priorities are what you say they are?
Or are you just a lot of talk?
I hope that is a sobering thought…one that opens your dry, irritated, blood-shot, screen-burnt eyes to a deeper insight about the epic contradiction you are living…and opening your eyes to the affair you have consented to and welcomed into your marriage and home.
I don’t mean to be harsh, but you need to take a minute and seriously think about this. Look, it’s your marriage and your life, but I challenge you to make sure your marriage (outside of your faith), is priority number one!
If you’re not nurturing and attending to your marriage, no one else is gonna do it for you.
Wasting our married lives drooling over endless posts, newsfeeds, hacks, and a million ways to decorate your house is having an impact on the most significant relationship we have on earth.
The problem is tech-time is easy and completely effortless. We carry the world-wide web in our pockets—some even wear it on their wrist because reaching into the pocket to pull out the phone has become too burdensome.
It’s easy. Too, easy.
In failed attempts to govern our usage, we tell ourselves (or our spouse) we’ll “just look up something real quick, and put it away…”—Some twenty or thirty minutes later… (you know I’m right!).
Ya know what is super pathetic?! I even know couples that actually text each other WHILE THEY ARE IN THE HOUSE TOGETHER!! Lazy. Out of touch. Pathetic.
Whether one or both of you suffer from over usage, it’s a big deal and something that needs to change.
We are instantly consumed by whatever it is we are laying our eyes on. The impression that we give to an onlooker as we bury ourselves in our phone is one that says, “I’m busy” or “I’m doing something important.” You appear unapproachable and you are oblivious to everything else around you. Everything.
Being on our phones eliminates the quality of conversation and the amount of interaction you have with your spouse. If you aren’t doing things that build the relationship and increase your connectedness with each other you can also be sure that the level of intimacy between the two of you will be lacking, too. Meanwhile, your torrid affair with your phone blossoms and grows.
As a marriage counselor, this issue comes up again and again in my practice. Spouses feel alienated by their spouse because of the amount of time he/she is preoccupied with their phone. One lady said, “He will drop everything if his phone makes even the slightest whir, but he acts as though I am invisible and mute when I try talking to him.”
Not everyone is a fan of ménage a trios.
Here is my advice on how to kick this third “person” out of your marriage:
- Make a blackout time for all phones in the house. I typically recommend 7pm to 7am. If you have young children in the home that go to bed early, I suggest earlier. Remember, your priorities are directly observable based on how others SEE you spend your time. What are your actions telling your spouse? What are your actions telling your children? Remember, everyone is watching…actions always speak louder than words (look at our politicians).
- Put your phone on DO NOT DISTURB mode after work. This way you don’t have lots of interruptions throughout the evening or weekend. This is a great feature because it allows people on your Favorites List to ring through if there is an emergency. And remember this is the 21st century, if there is a huge emergency people will find a way to get to you.
- Do not use your cell phone in bed (or in the master bedroom)! Talk about a third person being in the room and literally in the bed! The master bedroom (and especially, the bed) needs to be a protected sanctuary and retreat for a husband and wife. This is your private, intimate space, away from the world, away from the busyness of the family to enjoy each other, rest, have private conversations and to feel and act like a married couple. Remember, “two is company, three’s a crowd.” Please no phones, books, ipads, kids, and no pets in the marital bed. All these things are “intimacy shields” and will only add to marital dissatisfaction and disconnectedness.
- Talk to your spouse about the problem and the goal of the change. Both of you need to understand the impact that this seemingly harmless activity is having on your marriage. (I am going to warn you, it’s not an easy habit to break, but well worth it). Like diet and exercise, it is a whole lot easier if you are both working with the same goal in mind…prioritize, protect and love your marriage!
- Start today! If you are eye-ball deep in this unconscious sabotage of your marriage, you can stop the phone affair today.
So, put your phone down and love the one you’re with! Things will be a whole lot snuggly-er if ya do!
“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish,…” Ephesians 5:15-17a